Results and reports by Event

M16 and the Prisoner of Ashby-kan

Michael Harmon investigates:

Despite the (alleged) Russian hacking of its oars and seats, the M16 persevered and immediately began preparing for the infamous getting-on race. Over a pre-race dinner that has widely been called “too much pasta,” the MI6 operatives discussed both their rowing and formal attendance strategies, a scene that alternated between carbohydrate-intensive and wildly chaotic. Throughout the dinner, Foxy Coxy searched desperately for a digital stopwatch so the crew could, in Wise’s words, “sit around” and “feel what eight minutes feels like.” The atmosphere grew increasingly tense as Suliman announced his intention to “go skinny dipping later,” prompting Richard “Stunning Gunning” Gunning to call a snap formal booking. Though M16 Plaid Cymru representative Martijn Lugteñ opposed this move, Jastin “Is There a Dress Code?” Auspers (Trumbull College, 2016) promised via Skype that he would keep his boat “strong and stable,” reminding his crew ominously that “no time is better than a bad time.” An unnamed coxing source pledged “no Adira quotes,” while Foxy Coxy claimed she had spotted Andres Bustamente catching lagoon crabs on the Venetian Grand Canal, repeatedly whispering “omg, BCD” to himself and his fellow gondoliers.

The drama reached a boiling point when Will “Release All The Tapes” Theiss, who has been taking memos after every race, threatened to flee to Paris during bumps, commenting that he could “smell the Eiffel Tower already.” After hinting that Twitter and Facebook are “related phenomena,” Theiss announced to unconcerned ears that he planned to have “several pints before tomorrow’s race.” MI6 would come to rue ignoring this proclamation when a shockingly inebriated Theiss later jumped from his seat in the M16 onto Peterhouse M5, screaming “This is for Tony Grabiner!”

In spite of these trials, tribulations, and military tribunals, McMillan sounded optimistic. “I think this is the part of the movie,” he said, “where we experience a loss that we have to come back from.” This prediction proved prophetic, as the M16 ultimately qualified for bumps the same way they arrived at Friday’s formal: fashionably late, in a blaze of tie-dyed glory, and to the dismay of every Clare fellow in earshot. Their bumps campaign promises to be historic, dangerous, and above all else, for the many, not the few.

Uploaded Monday 12th June, 14:08